HUSBANDS GOING TO TOPLESS BARS

My husband just told me that he and his friends just stopped off to a topless bar after work last Friday. He didn’t want me to be upset when I saw the charge on his card. But I’m upset anyway! I can’t believe he’d go to a topless bar. He used to do this with his friends before we were married three years ago but he hasn’t done this since then. He claims he still loves me and finds me attractive but I feel really hurt and haven’t slept with him since. I told him that if he wanted to keep his marriage, he has to promise that he will never go to a topless bar ever again.


The famous woman radio psychologist, Dr. Toni Grant, once dealt with this question by saying that men derive natural pleasure from visual excitement and a sensible wife should not interfere. She also said that the wife who hung up on her after hearing this opinion is insecure and childlike. This represents one view on this difficult marriage conflict.

As a marriage counselor, how often have I heard this complaint lodged by a wife against a husband or boyfriend? Frequently. This is a serious emotional hurt for many women. However, for many men, going to a topless bar is a source of pleasure and brotherhood. This is the paradox.

Men tend to connect through action and physical activity. When they cannot, they will tend to connect through watching – i.e. watching a sports event. When a man goes to a topless bar, there is obviously sexual excitement, arousal, etc. – but there is also a spectator sport, in a sense, going on, for the man.

Women do not tend to connect with others through physical activity – they connect by verbal interaction or a meeting of the minds. During this verbal exchange, eye contact is very important for most women and a single focus kept on each person talking.

If there is not good eye contact and focus, most women do not feel that the communication is right. They feel something is amiss and there is a broken or diminished connection with each other. This is why many women get hurt when the man suddenly takes his eyes off her and starts to watch another female.

This feels like a broken connection to the woman. When this happens, women often feel personally hurt or abandoned in the conversation, like the man has suddenly just gotten up and left her. This point is hard for many men to understand.

There are many men who are married, enjoy healthy sex lives with the women of their heart, and do not go to topless bars. There are also many married men who do go to topless bars and who still have good sex lives with their wives.

For this question, there is no easy answer or solution. It will be a mutual compromise of give and take. One thing is important to always remember! Men and women are wired differently – and it sometimes takes work not to take this difference personally!